Stop Dying, Everybody

by Lou Stone Borenstein
July 23, 2009

Dear Diary,

I can’t get anything done. I’m the King of Mojambistan and I can’t get anything done. I never realized how much I relied on the Americans. Last night, I had my personal aide show me my to-do list. There was nothing for me to cross off. What’s the point of a to-do list if you can’t cross anything off? I should tell my aide to keep the list hidden unless we’ve accomplished something. But how can we accomplish anything now? American loans make up for the majority of our budget. We need those dollars. Even if they are weak. Sometimes the military backing is helpful. And we could also use some more of their machinery. But mostly the dollars. I think it’s making me sick. The Americans haven’t paid any attention to us in weeks. They’re too preoccupied with their celebrities. With their dead celebrities. They need to stop dying.

Every time an American celebrity dies, we get postponed. Their President always feels the need to make some statement. And when he adds something at the last minute, something else on the day’s agenda has to get bumped. But why is it always us? Whenever one of their former presidents dies, the whole country practically takes an entire day off. Even the ones who didn’t vote for him. Go figure. I hate being on the bottom of the White House’s list. Can’t they find something else to move just once? We’re an entire country. That should count for something. And even worse, they always seem to expect that we would care about their loss. That pisses me off.

When Braghava Boopbop passed away last year, nobody outside the country seemed to even notice. And no single person has contributed more to sock-puppetry around the world than he did. He reinvented the art form, introducing it to my entire generation. Hundreds of Mojambistanis poured out into the streets to console each other. (In a country of barely a thousand people, that’s pretty impressive.) But nobody else ever spoke a word about it. No call from President Bush. No email from Chancellor Merkel. Not even a text from Ban Ki-moon. Where is the love?

Boopbop didn’t even die in anybody’s shadow. At least, not that I know of. I feel bad for some of the celebrities who die at the same time as bigger ones. Farrah Fawcett, my heart goes out to you. Such a coincidence that you died just as we were getting “Charlie’s Angels” over here. And Ed McMahon. Second Banana is nothing to be ashamed of. Growers here are required by law to hand over a shipment’s first banana to the government anyway. Meanwhile, plenty of coverage was given to Walter Cronkite, a man who never once reported on Mojambistan. But that’s just the nature of the news. If we had a revolution here on the same day the Americans went to war somewhere, nobody would even notice. Great. Now if anybody finds my diary, I’m screwed. Good thing my palace is so secure. Unless there was a revolution. Oh, why don’t I write with a pencil? Damn this quill. Why do I even keep a diary? Although, I suppose if revolutionaries found my diary, there would already be a revolution. I’m sorry Diary. I didn’t mean to turn on you.

I’m just frustrated, that’s all. Too many celebrities dying. When will it end? It’s been so hard to accomplish anything lately that I’ve taken a lot of time off. It’s actually been kind of nice. Spending more time with my children and my wives. I don’t get to see them enough. Usually too busy working. I hate when people think that I don’t have to work for a living just because I’m the King. At least I like my job. I really do want to get back to work.

The Americans need to get back to us. I don’t know how many more unreturned phone calls I can make. Ambassador ban Liden says he can’t even get past security at the White House. He’s not sure why. It’s not too surprising though. He can be a bit of a pest sometimes. But that’s not the issue here. The issue is that they are neglecting us. If only they could all stop dying. Then I could talk to the Americans. Hundreds of people are depending on me.

We have real issues to deal with here. For the first time in history, our nation’s per capita income has fallen below 70,000 US Dollars. I read an article in the paper the other day that there is an illiterate man living here. Five of our doctors are threatening to start a private practice together, and they wouldn’t even accept government payments for their patients! My top army general says he’s stopped asking because none of the soldiers are telling anymore. And most upsetting to me personally: we have a carbon footprint. That’s just embarrassing.

Maybe they’ll call back tomorrow. At least the new Harry Potter movie was good. Not great, but good.